Monday, October 28, 2002
Parts 1-5 are at http://www.kiki1-5.blogspot.com
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NOTE: This story ran in daily installments on the Inside Carolina (free) basketball message boards at insidecarolina.com, from October through early November, 2002. This story is a parody. It is not intended as a truthful representation of anyone or anything associated with the Duke basketball program. It is entirely fictional and is intended only for the amusement of Carolina fans, other rivals of Duke.
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PART 6
7:00 pm. Lining up to enter Cameron.
VANESSA: That paint looks really good on you, Chip. Normally without your shirt on you'd look kinda pasty and soft, no offense.
CHIP: None taken. Yeah, I’m a winter. Dark blue is good for me.
VANESSA: It’s very slimming. … I’m so glad our colors are dark. Imagine if our colors were, like, horizontal stripes or something.
CHIP: It was so awesome of Kiki to go and buy pinky rings for all the Crazies! Even if they did come from the dollar store.
VANESSA: I know. With those rings, it's like we’re part of the fist ALL the time now.
CHIP: Kiki is so creative. I just hope she had time to study the cheer sheets.
VANESSA: [sigh] Kiki really deserves a guy like Wojo.
CHIP: What? Wojo just said ‘hi’ to her, that’s all.
VANESSA: Yeah, but it was the way he said it. He looked all awkward and stuff.
CHIP: He always looks like that.
VANESSA: Hey, isn’t that Kiki headed this way? She should be with her tent. … Is she crying?
CHIP: Omigod, Kiki, what’s wrong?
KIKI: … [sob] … I was out … getting the pinky rings … and … and … my … … [sob] … tent. Tiffany was supposed to … [sob] … and she … and she … [sob] …
VANESSA: Slow down girl. Take deep, slow breaths … like you’re doing your pilates.
KIKI: OK. [breathes]… Tiffany … missed the last tent check. Our tent is … is … OFF THE LINE!
CHIP: Omigod, that sux!
VANESSA: Kiki, that’s so unfair! What happened?! Why did Tiffany miss the tent check?
KIKI: Something about her botox injection. The word ‘mishap’ was used.
VANESSA: She was getting a botox shot in her tent?
KIKI: She’s done it before, but this time something went wrong. It reacted with the collagen in her lips and … apparently it gave her this kind of frozen awkward smile that wouldn’t go away. They were taking her to the emergency room when I arrived … it was awful. There she was, smiling in agony. Now I have to watch the game – and my own ‘Beware the Fist’ cheer – on TV!
VANESSA: That is so unfair!
KIKI: I know!
VANESSA: And after you got everyone pinky rings. You’ve become like … our spiritual leader, and now this! That is so unfair!
KIKI: I know! And to top it off, I keep getting hit on by some dweeb in a blazer. He’s not even cute. He looks like … Rudolph Giuliani, Jr.. Yeccch.
VANESSA: That is so unfair!
CHIP: Did he sound like Rudolph Giuliani too?
KIKI: Actually, yeah.
CHIP: And did he have an oversized head like Giuliani?
KIKI: Yes.
VANESSA: That is so unfair!
CHIP: No, that’s good. That’s Seth Davis. He’s a TV guy. Maybe he can get you in to the game.
VANESSA: Do you know where he is? Did you brush him off?
KIKI: He came up to me with a notepad and said he wanted to ask me a few questions. But the questions were all like “So do you have a boyfriend?” and “I’m in broadcasting” and stuff like that. So I said “You’re not my type” and he said “What is your type?” and I said “Not you” and left.
VANESSA: Oh, too bad.
CHIP: No, no, no. Don’t worry. You can’t injure his ego. It’s impenetrable. Go back and try again.
KIKI: What should I say?
CHIP: Tell him you heard some ugly rumors about Carolina players. But that you won’t tell him what they are until he gets you into the game.
KIKI: What rumors?
CHIP: I don’t know, just make something up. But hurry. It’s almost game time.
KIKI: How do I look?
CHIP: Believe me, it doesn’t matter.
KIKI: OK. Wish me luck.
Tomorrow: Seth and Kiki
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PART 7
By the back entrance to Cameron.
KIKI: Um … Seth! Hi! Seth!
SETH: Oh, hi. How did you know my name?
KIKI: You, uh, you told me earlier, when you … um … interviewed me.
SETH: No I didn’t.
KIKI: Yes you did.
SETH: No I didn’t.
KIKI: Yes you did.
SETH: No I didn’t.
KIKI: Do you like my blouse?
SETH: Oh. Um … yes … it’s very nice. It's a Prada, is it not?
KIKI: Yes. Wow. Handsome, and smart too.
[silence]
SETH: I’m in broadcasting. I’m on TV.
KIKI: Oh that must be very exciting.
SETH: Yeah. Very. Among other things, it means I'm famous.
[silence]
KIKI: So I guess that means you’re going to the game.
SETH: Of course.
KIKI: Too bad. I was hoping we could spend some time together. Unless you can get me into the game …
SETH: Well, I’m not supposed to get people into …
KIKI: That blazer is very flattering on you. It balances out your shoulder-to-head ratio.
SETH: Thanks. Still, I don't know if I can get you in …
KIKI: I know some really ugly rumors about Carolina players.
SETH: You do? Which players?
KIKI: Um … several of the really tall ones.
SETH: Well that’s different. It wouldn’t be improper … it would be … research. …
KIKI: Yeah.
SETH: Still, I don’t know.
[silence]
SETH: You know, I was the first to predict that Jason Williams was leaving early to go pro. More than a year before any other reporter.
KIKI: Wow. I really admire that Seth. May I call you Seth? Is that what your friends call you?
SETH: Most of my friends call me Seth. Well, not friends, exactly …
[long silence.]
KIKI: Ugly, ugly rumors Seth.
SETH: OK, you can sit with me in the press box.
KIKI: Cool!
SETH: And after the game you can watch me prepare my package … for CNN.
KIKI: What?! No! I mean, “prepare your package”? “For CNN”?
SETH: Yeah, I have to tape a piece for broadcast tomorrow. You can watch.
KIKI: Oh … [laughs] … sure.
SETH: C’mon. Let’s go in.
-------------------------
PART 8
In the Cameron press box.
KIKI: Sheesh, it’s about a thousand degrees up here. Omigod, that’s Dick Vitale. … He’s even more frightening in person.
SETH: Yes, Dick perspires heavily.
KIKI: And his tan … It's like no tan I’ve ever seen before. And the expression. He … he looks like a wild animal.
SETH: That’s just the way he looks. Don’t let him frighten you. He’s a pussycat. He loves Duke.
VITALE: Seth Davis! You are a super-sensational young talent!
SETH: Hi Dick. You spit on me again, Dick.
VITALE: Sorry. Who’s your young friend? Even with one eye I can see that she is scintillatingly super baby!
SETH: Dick, this is Kiki.
VITALE: Kiki?! What the hell kind of name is that? No, I’m kidding. I’m a kidder. Where the hell is Wojo with my oscillating fan?
KIKI: Wojo? Wojo is coming up here?
VITALE: Yeah. He was supposed to be here half an hour ago with my fan, and a couple of bottles of Chianti. … Say Seth, tell me something. Why the hell are all the Crazies holding their pinkies in the air? Hey! I’m too stupid. I didn’t go to Duke. I am not a genius. So tell me what these wacky Einsteins are trying to say!
SETH: No idea Dick.
KIKI: I know what it is.
VITALE: So enlighten me, scintillating Kiki -- if that is your real name.
KIKI: OK. Earlier today …
VITALE: Do you mind if I change my shirt while we talk? It’s so hot here. I usually go through about 6-8 shirts a game in Cameron.
KIKI: Sure. Um, earlier today … Omigod you’re back is so hairy.
VITALE: Yeah, me and Robin Williams. It’s like we were born with our own sweaters baby! So anyway …
KIKI: Oh yeah. This afternoon Coach K said that the Crazies were like the pinky rings of the fist. So I went out and got us all pinky rings. That’s why they’re all waving their pinkies.
VITALE: Hey, that is awesome Kiki with a capital K! We’re gonna get a tight shot of those rings and I’m gonna use that on the air tonight. The pinky rings of the fist. Super!! … Oh, there you are Wojo.
WOJO: Sorry I’m late Dick. Here’s your stuff. … Hey … um … ‘sssup?
KIKI: Hi.
SETH: You know him?
KIKI: We just sort of met … earlier today. I like your tie.
WOJO: Thanks.
SETH: She’s with me fatboy.
WOJO: Says who?
SETH: Says me …
[Wojo slaps the floor.]
WOJO: OK. Let’s go, right now, bighead. You and me.
KIKI: Boys. Please don’t …
VITALE: Kiki, you better step aside. This isn’t about you. This goes back to the days when Seth was Wojo’s tutor. You don’t want to get in the middle of this. You’re liable to get scratched up pretty bad. Oh boy, here they go again …
Tomorrow: Wojo vs. Seth
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PART 9
Pre-game, in the stands.
VANESSA: I love it when the band plays ‘Devil with a Blue Dress On’. It gets me all tingly in my nether-regions.
CHIP: [emits guttural sound, then coughs]
VANESSA: Little Chip likes it too, I bet.
CHIP: Not now Vanessa. Not while I’m all painted up. By the way, did I ever tell you that my great uncle Buford has the original version of that song, by Pat Boone, on 45? In the original version, he sings ‘LADY with a Blue Dress On.’
VANESSA: Wow. You southerners are so … authentic. You see, that’s why I decided to go to Duke instead of Brown – I mean, aside for the fact that I didn’t get into Brown. People in the north are not authentic.
CHIP: I’m a little worried about Kiki. I hope she made it into the game with Seth. But if she did, that means he'll be looking for a little consideration from her, if you know what I mean.
VANESSA: For Kiki that’s a small price …
CHIP: Hey! Look! Look at Wojo down there on the bench! His cheek -- he looks like he’s been attacked by a cat or something. … And behind the bench. That’s Kiki! Hey! Kiki! Up here!
[Kiki climbs up to them.]
VANESSA: Kiki, what’re you doing here? Where’s TV boy?
KIKI: Omigod you guys. You will not believe it! I was up in the press box and Wojo was there and he and Seth got into a big slap fight! Over ME!
VANESSA: Tell us everything.
KIKI: OK, so Wojo sees me and he’s like ‘ssup’ and I’m like ‘hi’ and Seth is all like ‘back off Wojo’ and Wojo is like ‘you talkin’ to me?’ and before I know it there’s this huge slap fight. The kind where both of them turn their heads away, but they stick their arms out toward each other and they’re slapping and scratching.
CHIP: Gross.
KIKI: Yeah, it was actually pretty disturbing. But anyway, so Seth scratches Wojo and Wojo falls down and grabs his cheek. Then Dick steps in …
VANESSA: Dick?
KIKI: Vitale. He was there too. Dick steps in front of Seth and I run to see if Wojo’s OK. I look up and I see that Seth doesn’t have a mark on him, but has completely wet his dockers. So then Dick pulls out like ten pairs of dockers, only they’re all too big for Seth. But Seth has no choice, so he goes off to change while I nurse Wojo’s wounds.
VANESSA: Oh, that is so sexy. You nursed his wounds.
CHIP: It’s like a bad porn movie.
KIKI: So then Seth comes back, wearing these enormous dockers. Like, even though they came up almost to his armpits, he’s got the legs rolled up so they won’t be too long. He’s like swimming in them. So I started laughing. I couldn’t help it, but he got like really mad. He’s up there doing a slow burn. Meanwhile Wojo said I could sit behind the bench. So here I am. Isn’t it awesome?
CHIP: Wow. OK, we need to worry about Seth. He has binoculars up there, you know. He’s gonna be watching you. Remember, he’s an ex-nerd.
KIKI: So what?
CHIP: Ex-nerds are dangerous and vengeful people.
VANESSA: How do you know he’s an ex-nerd?
CHIP: He worked for the Chronicle.
KIKI: Say no more.
CHIP: Kiki, did you tell him your last name?
KIKI: No.
CHIP: Good. Then all we have to do is keep him away from you for tonight. I think you’ll be safe behind the bench there during the game. But at halftime, come up here with us, OK?
KIKI: OK. But don’t get paint on my Prada.
Tomorrow: the game.
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PART 10
[30 seconds remaining in the first half]
VANESSA: I love blowouts. … Hey, let’s start a spontaneous cheer. Are you with me?
CHIP: What cheer?
VANESSA: Extend your arm. Make a fist. Then put your ring pinky out and shout "PINKY!" Then, pull the pinky back into the fist and shout "FIST!" Like this: "PINKY - FIST - PINKY - FIST" and so on.
CHIP: OK, let's go.
CHIP & VANESSA: PINKY! FIST! PINKY! FIST! …
[In the broadcast booth.]
VITALE: Tell me something Brad Nessler! What are those Crazies chanting? Because I'm no Einstein. I didn't go to Duke. I don't have a $50,000 a year education! I flunked gym! My momma said I was dumb as a stump! So tell me Brad, because I'm just a bald, one-eyed stump, baby!!!! What are those wacky Einsteins saying?!!!!
NESSLER: I think they're saying "Stinky pits." I think that's what it is. Maybe a reference to the heat? I don't know.
VITALE: I don't know what it means either, but I don't care!!! These kids are so creative! They are the future leaders of tomorrow, Brad. This environment here at Duke is super sensational baby!!!! Sometimes when I think of Duke, I cry tears of joy, Brad.
NESSLER: He does folks. I’ve seen it. There’s the horn. At the end of the first half, the score …
[Back in the stands]
CHIP: Kiki! Kiki! Get up here! Quick!
KIKI: What is it?
CHIP: Kiki, sit down here and hide here so Seth won’t find you. He’s gonna be looking for you.
KIKI: OK, whatever. But for the second half I’m going back and sit behind “Woje”.
VANESSA: Woje?
CHIP: Just stay low. I’m going for a coke. Anybody want anything?
VANESSA: Get me a diet jujubes if they have them.
CHIP: OK. Back in a minute.
[After a few minutes]
KIKI: It’s boring down here. I can’t see a thing. What’s going on Vanessa?
VANESSA: Well, let’s see. Calvin Hill is here again. Nobody is talking to him. … The cheerleaders are pounding down hot dogs. … Oh, that’s cute.
KIKI: What?
VANESSA: The little ballboys are all practicing their Dahntay Jones poses. … And Jay Bilas is chatting up the Furman cheerleaders. … I still have a huge crush on Jay. Don’t tell Chip. Ever since that movie where he played the alien. [http://us.imdb.com/Title?0099817]
KIKI: “I Come In Peace.” Great movie. Dolph Lundgren at his best.
VANESSA: The Oscar people really dropped the ball on that one. Jay didn’t even get nominated.
KIKI: Yeah, that was so unfair! So what else is happening?
VANESSA: Can you hear the Crazies chanting behind the Furman bench? Just a little friendly ribbing of the Furman parents and fans. Funny.
KIKI: What’s the chant?
VANESSA: “You’re not smart! Clap clap clap. We - are! Clap clap clap.”
KIKI: Ha! Good one. What else?
VANESSA: There’s a clown on the floor, I think.
KIKI: A clown? What’s he doing?
VANESSA: He’s looking up in the stands. He’s not a very good clown. … He doesn’t even have a wig or a red nose, but he does have the huge baggy pants.
[Kiki sneaks a brief look.]
KIKI: Omigod, that’s Seth! Did he see me?
VANESSA: No. No, he’s just scanning the crowd … Coming this way … Gosh, he really does look like Giuliani, minus the comb-over. OK. He’s over in the corner now, by where the teams come in. Oh no.
KIKI: What?
VANESSA: Oh no! He doesn’t see the team coming onto the floor. He’s in their way … they don’t see him either … OH NO! Omigod! They’re trampling him! He’s getting trampled like rag doll under a monster truck! Oh the humanity! Now … oh!
[Kiki stands up to look]
KIKI: Casey Sanders just stepped on his head.
VANESSA: Looks like Casey turned an ankle.
KIKI: Why is everyone booing?
VANESSA: They’re booing Seth, I think. For getting in the way.
KIKI: I don’t think a single player missed him.
VANESSA: What’re the Crazies chanting know?
CRAZIES: “Road – kill. Clap clap clap. Road – kill. Clap clap clap.”
KIKI: That’s cold.
VANESSA: Yeah, but funny too.
Monday: Is Seth dead? If not, will he blame Kiki?
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Parts 1-5 are at http://www.kiki1-5.blogspot.com
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NewOldGuy
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NOTE: This story ran in daily installments on the Inside Carolina (free) basketball message boards at insidecarolina.com, from October through early November, 2002. This story is a parody. It is not intended as a truthful representation of anyone or anything associated with the Duke basketball program. It is entirely fictional and is intended only for the amusement of Carolina fans, other rivals of Duke.
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PART 6
7:00 pm. Lining up to enter Cameron.
VANESSA: That paint looks really good on you, Chip. Normally without your shirt on you'd look kinda pasty and soft, no offense.
CHIP: None taken. Yeah, I’m a winter. Dark blue is good for me.
VANESSA: It’s very slimming. … I’m so glad our colors are dark. Imagine if our colors were, like, horizontal stripes or something.
CHIP: It was so awesome of Kiki to go and buy pinky rings for all the Crazies! Even if they did come from the dollar store.
VANESSA: I know. With those rings, it's like we’re part of the fist ALL the time now.
CHIP: Kiki is so creative. I just hope she had time to study the cheer sheets.
VANESSA: [sigh] Kiki really deserves a guy like Wojo.
CHIP: What? Wojo just said ‘hi’ to her, that’s all.
VANESSA: Yeah, but it was the way he said it. He looked all awkward and stuff.
CHIP: He always looks like that.
VANESSA: Hey, isn’t that Kiki headed this way? She should be with her tent. … Is she crying?
CHIP: Omigod, Kiki, what’s wrong?
KIKI: … [sob] … I was out … getting the pinky rings … and … and … my … … [sob] … tent. Tiffany was supposed to … [sob] … and she … and she … [sob] …
VANESSA: Slow down girl. Take deep, slow breaths … like you’re doing your pilates.
KIKI: OK. [breathes]… Tiffany … missed the last tent check. Our tent is … is … OFF THE LINE!
CHIP: Omigod, that sux!
VANESSA: Kiki, that’s so unfair! What happened?! Why did Tiffany miss the tent check?
KIKI: Something about her botox injection. The word ‘mishap’ was used.
VANESSA: She was getting a botox shot in her tent?
KIKI: She’s done it before, but this time something went wrong. It reacted with the collagen in her lips and … apparently it gave her this kind of frozen awkward smile that wouldn’t go away. They were taking her to the emergency room when I arrived … it was awful. There she was, smiling in agony. Now I have to watch the game – and my own ‘Beware the Fist’ cheer – on TV!
VANESSA: That is so unfair!
KIKI: I know!
VANESSA: And after you got everyone pinky rings. You’ve become like … our spiritual leader, and now this! That is so unfair!
KIKI: I know! And to top it off, I keep getting hit on by some dweeb in a blazer. He’s not even cute. He looks like … Rudolph Giuliani, Jr.. Yeccch.
VANESSA: That is so unfair!
CHIP: Did he sound like Rudolph Giuliani too?
KIKI: Actually, yeah.
CHIP: And did he have an oversized head like Giuliani?
KIKI: Yes.
VANESSA: That is so unfair!
CHIP: No, that’s good. That’s Seth Davis. He’s a TV guy. Maybe he can get you in to the game.
VANESSA: Do you know where he is? Did you brush him off?
KIKI: He came up to me with a notepad and said he wanted to ask me a few questions. But the questions were all like “So do you have a boyfriend?” and “I’m in broadcasting” and stuff like that. So I said “You’re not my type” and he said “What is your type?” and I said “Not you” and left.
VANESSA: Oh, too bad.
CHIP: No, no, no. Don’t worry. You can’t injure his ego. It’s impenetrable. Go back and try again.
KIKI: What should I say?
CHIP: Tell him you heard some ugly rumors about Carolina players. But that you won’t tell him what they are until he gets you into the game.
KIKI: What rumors?
CHIP: I don’t know, just make something up. But hurry. It’s almost game time.
KIKI: How do I look?
CHIP: Believe me, it doesn’t matter.
KIKI: OK. Wish me luck.
Tomorrow: Seth and Kiki
------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 7
By the back entrance to Cameron.
KIKI: Um … Seth! Hi! Seth!
SETH: Oh, hi. How did you know my name?
KIKI: You, uh, you told me earlier, when you … um … interviewed me.
SETH: No I didn’t.
KIKI: Yes you did.
SETH: No I didn’t.
KIKI: Yes you did.
SETH: No I didn’t.
KIKI: Do you like my blouse?
SETH: Oh. Um … yes … it’s very nice. It's a Prada, is it not?
KIKI: Yes. Wow. Handsome, and smart too.
[silence]
SETH: I’m in broadcasting. I’m on TV.
KIKI: Oh that must be very exciting.
SETH: Yeah. Very. Among other things, it means I'm famous.
[silence]
KIKI: So I guess that means you’re going to the game.
SETH: Of course.
KIKI: Too bad. I was hoping we could spend some time together. Unless you can get me into the game …
SETH: Well, I’m not supposed to get people into …
KIKI: That blazer is very flattering on you. It balances out your shoulder-to-head ratio.
SETH: Thanks. Still, I don't know if I can get you in …
KIKI: I know some really ugly rumors about Carolina players.
SETH: You do? Which players?
KIKI: Um … several of the really tall ones.
SETH: Well that’s different. It wouldn’t be improper … it would be … research. …
KIKI: Yeah.
SETH: Still, I don’t know.
[silence]
SETH: You know, I was the first to predict that Jason Williams was leaving early to go pro. More than a year before any other reporter.
KIKI: Wow. I really admire that Seth. May I call you Seth? Is that what your friends call you?
SETH: Most of my friends call me Seth. Well, not friends, exactly …
[long silence.]
KIKI: Ugly, ugly rumors Seth.
SETH: OK, you can sit with me in the press box.
KIKI: Cool!
SETH: And after the game you can watch me prepare my package … for CNN.
KIKI: What?! No! I mean, “prepare your package”? “For CNN”?
SETH: Yeah, I have to tape a piece for broadcast tomorrow. You can watch.
KIKI: Oh … [laughs] … sure.
SETH: C’mon. Let’s go in.
-------------------------
PART 8
In the Cameron press box.
KIKI: Sheesh, it’s about a thousand degrees up here. Omigod, that’s Dick Vitale. … He’s even more frightening in person.
SETH: Yes, Dick perspires heavily.
KIKI: And his tan … It's like no tan I’ve ever seen before. And the expression. He … he looks like a wild animal.
SETH: That’s just the way he looks. Don’t let him frighten you. He’s a pussycat. He loves Duke.
VITALE: Seth Davis! You are a super-sensational young talent!
SETH: Hi Dick. You spit on me again, Dick.
VITALE: Sorry. Who’s your young friend? Even with one eye I can see that she is scintillatingly super baby!
SETH: Dick, this is Kiki.
VITALE: Kiki?! What the hell kind of name is that? No, I’m kidding. I’m a kidder. Where the hell is Wojo with my oscillating fan?
KIKI: Wojo? Wojo is coming up here?
VITALE: Yeah. He was supposed to be here half an hour ago with my fan, and a couple of bottles of Chianti. … Say Seth, tell me something. Why the hell are all the Crazies holding their pinkies in the air? Hey! I’m too stupid. I didn’t go to Duke. I am not a genius. So tell me what these wacky Einsteins are trying to say!
SETH: No idea Dick.
KIKI: I know what it is.
VITALE: So enlighten me, scintillating Kiki -- if that is your real name.
KIKI: OK. Earlier today …
VITALE: Do you mind if I change my shirt while we talk? It’s so hot here. I usually go through about 6-8 shirts a game in Cameron.
KIKI: Sure. Um, earlier today … Omigod you’re back is so hairy.
VITALE: Yeah, me and Robin Williams. It’s like we were born with our own sweaters baby! So anyway …
KIKI: Oh yeah. This afternoon Coach K said that the Crazies were like the pinky rings of the fist. So I went out and got us all pinky rings. That’s why they’re all waving their pinkies.
VITALE: Hey, that is awesome Kiki with a capital K! We’re gonna get a tight shot of those rings and I’m gonna use that on the air tonight. The pinky rings of the fist. Super!! … Oh, there you are Wojo.
WOJO: Sorry I’m late Dick. Here’s your stuff. … Hey … um … ‘sssup?
KIKI: Hi.
SETH: You know him?
KIKI: We just sort of met … earlier today. I like your tie.
WOJO: Thanks.
SETH: She’s with me fatboy.
WOJO: Says who?
SETH: Says me …
[Wojo slaps the floor.]
WOJO: OK. Let’s go, right now, bighead. You and me.
KIKI: Boys. Please don’t …
VITALE: Kiki, you better step aside. This isn’t about you. This goes back to the days when Seth was Wojo’s tutor. You don’t want to get in the middle of this. You’re liable to get scratched up pretty bad. Oh boy, here they go again …
Tomorrow: Wojo vs. Seth
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 9
Pre-game, in the stands.
VANESSA: I love it when the band plays ‘Devil with a Blue Dress On’. It gets me all tingly in my nether-regions.
CHIP: [emits guttural sound, then coughs]
VANESSA: Little Chip likes it too, I bet.
CHIP: Not now Vanessa. Not while I’m all painted up. By the way, did I ever tell you that my great uncle Buford has the original version of that song, by Pat Boone, on 45? In the original version, he sings ‘LADY with a Blue Dress On.’
VANESSA: Wow. You southerners are so … authentic. You see, that’s why I decided to go to Duke instead of Brown – I mean, aside for the fact that I didn’t get into Brown. People in the north are not authentic.
CHIP: I’m a little worried about Kiki. I hope she made it into the game with Seth. But if she did, that means he'll be looking for a little consideration from her, if you know what I mean.
VANESSA: For Kiki that’s a small price …
CHIP: Hey! Look! Look at Wojo down there on the bench! His cheek -- he looks like he’s been attacked by a cat or something. … And behind the bench. That’s Kiki! Hey! Kiki! Up here!
[Kiki climbs up to them.]
VANESSA: Kiki, what’re you doing here? Where’s TV boy?
KIKI: Omigod you guys. You will not believe it! I was up in the press box and Wojo was there and he and Seth got into a big slap fight! Over ME!
VANESSA: Tell us everything.
KIKI: OK, so Wojo sees me and he’s like ‘ssup’ and I’m like ‘hi’ and Seth is all like ‘back off Wojo’ and Wojo is like ‘you talkin’ to me?’ and before I know it there’s this huge slap fight. The kind where both of them turn their heads away, but they stick their arms out toward each other and they’re slapping and scratching.
CHIP: Gross.
KIKI: Yeah, it was actually pretty disturbing. But anyway, so Seth scratches Wojo and Wojo falls down and grabs his cheek. Then Dick steps in …
VANESSA: Dick?
KIKI: Vitale. He was there too. Dick steps in front of Seth and I run to see if Wojo’s OK. I look up and I see that Seth doesn’t have a mark on him, but has completely wet his dockers. So then Dick pulls out like ten pairs of dockers, only they’re all too big for Seth. But Seth has no choice, so he goes off to change while I nurse Wojo’s wounds.
VANESSA: Oh, that is so sexy. You nursed his wounds.
CHIP: It’s like a bad porn movie.
KIKI: So then Seth comes back, wearing these enormous dockers. Like, even though they came up almost to his armpits, he’s got the legs rolled up so they won’t be too long. He’s like swimming in them. So I started laughing. I couldn’t help it, but he got like really mad. He’s up there doing a slow burn. Meanwhile Wojo said I could sit behind the bench. So here I am. Isn’t it awesome?
CHIP: Wow. OK, we need to worry about Seth. He has binoculars up there, you know. He’s gonna be watching you. Remember, he’s an ex-nerd.
KIKI: So what?
CHIP: Ex-nerds are dangerous and vengeful people.
VANESSA: How do you know he’s an ex-nerd?
CHIP: He worked for the Chronicle.
KIKI: Say no more.
CHIP: Kiki, did you tell him your last name?
KIKI: No.
CHIP: Good. Then all we have to do is keep him away from you for tonight. I think you’ll be safe behind the bench there during the game. But at halftime, come up here with us, OK?
KIKI: OK. But don’t get paint on my Prada.
Tomorrow: the game.
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PART 10
[30 seconds remaining in the first half]
VANESSA: I love blowouts. … Hey, let’s start a spontaneous cheer. Are you with me?
CHIP: What cheer?
VANESSA: Extend your arm. Make a fist. Then put your ring pinky out and shout "PINKY!" Then, pull the pinky back into the fist and shout "FIST!" Like this: "PINKY - FIST - PINKY - FIST" and so on.
CHIP: OK, let's go.
CHIP & VANESSA: PINKY! FIST! PINKY! FIST! …
[In the broadcast booth.]
VITALE: Tell me something Brad Nessler! What are those Crazies chanting? Because I'm no Einstein. I didn't go to Duke. I don't have a $50,000 a year education! I flunked gym! My momma said I was dumb as a stump! So tell me Brad, because I'm just a bald, one-eyed stump, baby!!!! What are those wacky Einsteins saying?!!!!
NESSLER: I think they're saying "Stinky pits." I think that's what it is. Maybe a reference to the heat? I don't know.
VITALE: I don't know what it means either, but I don't care!!! These kids are so creative! They are the future leaders of tomorrow, Brad. This environment here at Duke is super sensational baby!!!! Sometimes when I think of Duke, I cry tears of joy, Brad.
NESSLER: He does folks. I’ve seen it. There’s the horn. At the end of the first half, the score …
[Back in the stands]
CHIP: Kiki! Kiki! Get up here! Quick!
KIKI: What is it?
CHIP: Kiki, sit down here and hide here so Seth won’t find you. He’s gonna be looking for you.
KIKI: OK, whatever. But for the second half I’m going back and sit behind “Woje”.
VANESSA: Woje?
CHIP: Just stay low. I’m going for a coke. Anybody want anything?
VANESSA: Get me a diet jujubes if they have them.
CHIP: OK. Back in a minute.
[After a few minutes]
KIKI: It’s boring down here. I can’t see a thing. What’s going on Vanessa?
VANESSA: Well, let’s see. Calvin Hill is here again. Nobody is talking to him. … The cheerleaders are pounding down hot dogs. … Oh, that’s cute.
KIKI: What?
VANESSA: The little ballboys are all practicing their Dahntay Jones poses. … And Jay Bilas is chatting up the Furman cheerleaders. … I still have a huge crush on Jay. Don’t tell Chip. Ever since that movie where he played the alien. [http://us.imdb.com/Title?0099817]
KIKI: “I Come In Peace.” Great movie. Dolph Lundgren at his best.
VANESSA: The Oscar people really dropped the ball on that one. Jay didn’t even get nominated.
KIKI: Yeah, that was so unfair! So what else is happening?
VANESSA: Can you hear the Crazies chanting behind the Furman bench? Just a little friendly ribbing of the Furman parents and fans. Funny.
KIKI: What’s the chant?
VANESSA: “You’re not smart! Clap clap clap. We - are! Clap clap clap.”
KIKI: Ha! Good one. What else?
VANESSA: There’s a clown on the floor, I think.
KIKI: A clown? What’s he doing?
VANESSA: He’s looking up in the stands. He’s not a very good clown. … He doesn’t even have a wig or a red nose, but he does have the huge baggy pants.
[Kiki sneaks a brief look.]
KIKI: Omigod, that’s Seth! Did he see me?
VANESSA: No. No, he’s just scanning the crowd … Coming this way … Gosh, he really does look like Giuliani, minus the comb-over. OK. He’s over in the corner now, by where the teams come in. Oh no.
KIKI: What?
VANESSA: Oh no! He doesn’t see the team coming onto the floor. He’s in their way … they don’t see him either … OH NO! Omigod! They’re trampling him! He’s getting trampled like rag doll under a monster truck! Oh the humanity! Now … oh!
[Kiki stands up to look]
KIKI: Casey Sanders just stepped on his head.
VANESSA: Looks like Casey turned an ankle.
KIKI: Why is everyone booing?
VANESSA: They’re booing Seth, I think. For getting in the way.
KIKI: I don’t think a single player missed him.
VANESSA: What’re the Crazies chanting know?
CRAZIES: “Road – kill. Clap clap clap. Road – kill. Clap clap clap.”
KIKI: That’s cold.
VANESSA: Yeah, but funny too.
Monday: Is Seth dead? If not, will he blame Kiki?
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Parts 1-5 are at http://www.kiki1-5.blogspot.com
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NewOldGuy
